just a little rant because I'm human and it's okay to rant. right?

I'm just... I'm frustrated.

     I'm so self-centered. Everything is seen through a lens of "how does this affect me?" And then afterwards, I take off those glasses and see everything clearly and blur things again with tears of frustration and annoyance. I want to take those "all about me" glasses and smash them under the heel of my shoe.

     I tell myself that I'm not a very self-absorbed person. When I was younger, I was told often by pastors and my mom's friends and nice stranger ladies at the grocery store that I was such a well behaved little girl (not bragging here: I'm was a little introvert who didn't talk except for please and thank you and I have a mother and father who know where it's at when raising children).

     But now I'm in the real world, where things don't like to happen the way I think they should. People don't act the way I think they should. If I didn't want to play on the playground at preschool recess, I didn't have to. It was okay if I just wandered around, singing Sound of Music and eavesdropping on my teachers' conversations (Sorry, Mrs. R and Mrs. D). Now it seems like people are forcing me down the slide. I don't want to go! 

     School isn't sitting at the art table drawing all morning anymore. It's blood and sweat and tears and due dates and research and periodic tables that I don't want to memorize and geometric constructions I don't want to draw. It's late nights because I am too tired in the morning - a vicious cycle of sleeplessness. It's constantly throwing off the stress and inwardly screaming for God to make it easier.

     Friends aren't the little girls who invite me over to make soap and play with American Girl Dolls after preschool anymore. They are so, SO much better, and yet it takes more to keep those friendships alive. Business gets in the way of relationships. Online school means friends who live across the country, or at least a few hours away.

     Money isn't something that just comes with having a lemonade stand just for fun anymore. I need it to keep my commitment with Compassion. I need clothes (don't worry - I'm, like, getting clothed and stuff. I'm provided for. But it's hard when you're that girl who wears a sweatshirt and jeans to church because you wore the only two good dresses you have the last two weeks, and you see all of your friends with amazing clothes and everything...). It's no longer as simple as owning a favorite sweater and wearing it every day.

     Prioritizing according to the Bible is hard in a world where the culture wants you to do otherwise. To be honest, I didn't think this particular aspect of culture would hit me this hard at this point in my life. Grades are just the most important thing if I want to go to college. Grades... grades... grades. I always thought I was a pretty good student. Like most kids, failing tests was a nightmare for me, but it was never one I actually experienced until recently.

     It makes me wonder if I'm becoming less of a person. I know... it's just called "real life," and I'm no longer in my little homeschool bubble of "I'm accepted all the time for exactly what I am by everyone and everyone thinks I'm awesome and I don't get graded on my tests because I'm young and my parents don't want me to find my worth in grades and I am content with my clothes and my talents and my life and YEAH."

     I know I'm getting all teenage-angst-y on y'all, but life was just so much SIMPLER as a little kid. There was no poking and prodding if you mentioned a guy twice in the same hour. No yearning for independence, because, quite honestly, grown-ups have to do work and that's no fun! The only good reason for being a grown-up is you can pretty much do whatever you want. Right? RIGHT?!?!

Hah!

     Ugh. What a lie. I'm not even totally grown-up yet and I know that's a lie. I know people talk about "middle-aged crisis" and all that, but what about "teenaged crisis?" It's haaard, folks. And you know that! Because I know that pretty much all of my readers are either in the middle of this or have "been there, done that." Y'all know. 

     I'm just overwhelmed. Like I said. Screaming. God is there, I know. I constantly have to zoom out and see more than my computer screen and my bedroom walls. I constantly have to stop comparing myself to others. Seriously. I have to JUST. STOP. (link)

     It scares me sometimes when I think that my life before I turned... well, say fifteen, was pretty much trial-free. I might as well have been wearing a "life is good" t-shirt 24-7. Maybe I didn't think so then, but gosh darn it, I look back and that's totally what was happening. Sure, I thought I had such a hard life sometimes. But then I hit my first real trial, when God knew I was ready for one. If he had asked me, "Sarah, are you ready for a trial?" I would have said, "um, no! MY LIFE IS PERFECT, GOD. DON'T TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING I'VE DREAMED OF." And, well, he did. To my fifteen-year-old brain (I know, I know, that was only a year and a half ago. But the then-brain and the now-brain are wayyy different). From then on, my life has been different. It will continue to be marred by the results of The Fall, until I die and leave it all behind for eternal felicity in heaven. That scares me, to a degree. Just being honest.

    Today at my incredible, amazing, mine-is-better-than-yours youth group, we talked about how to deal with it when God says "no" to our prayers. I have to say, not my topic of choice; at least not at first glance. When we got into it, I learned a lot about how God has something better for us when he says "no." A lot of my youth group leaders said they were glad God said "no" to them in a lot of situations, because things ended up being infinitely better for them. I'm not entitled to share any of the stories, but dude, you should have heard them.

     The thing is (whew, I'm not writing a paper so I can say "the thing is"), I do believe that. I totally do. My real question is: WHEN? When do I get to hear the other half of the story, the half that comes after the "no"? The part when everything works out to my advantage?

     Well, would ya look at that. Just spilled to the internet. Heh. Why not. It got a little bit off of my chest, and maybe someone will read this and kind of feel a little bit better about life.

Hopefully there's some stuff in there that isn't totally depressing.

Also I wrote this in two different sittings, so the first half might have a different feel than the second half. You might say that mood swings and I are on a first-name basis.

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who we are in Christ - God doesn't create junk

     Christians need to have a certain amount of self-esteem. I'm not talking about constantly doing things to keep people thinking highly of them. That's more of what the world (read: unbelievers) would say self-esteem is. People are always saying "believe in yourself!" As if you were something so amazing, that you could rely on yourself to accomplish anything.

     But we can't do that. We can't rely on ourselves. Jeremiah 17:9 says: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

     So, as Christians, where do we get self-esteem? We all need it. Otherwise, we'd have such a low opinion of ourselves to the point where we would start lying to ourselves about our worth. We do have worth. But it's not in ourselves. If the heart is deceitful, there's no way we could look in ourselves for truth about who we are. We are more critical of ourselves than anyone else is. We all have our insecurities, and NO ONE on earth is entirely immune to peer pressure.

     We get our worth from JESUS. Since Jesus bore the punishment for all of our sin and fear and insecurities and failings, we have HIS record. That doesn't mean we don't sin. It does mean, though, that we aren't going to be punished for our sin. God looks at us as beloved sons and daughters. I don't know about you, but I find it comforting to know that God thinks I'm beautiful. THAT'S how I should look at myself. The devil likes to whisper in our ears and tell us lies about how we aren't worth anything, how we can never be a success, et cetera. That's when I look at what God thinks of me. He loves me as a Father loves his child! And his opinion will never change. Oh, happy thought!

     I'm an introvert myself, so I count myself as one of the socially awkward club. You know, the kind that go to Chick-fil-a and have to muster up all the courage in their being to go up to the counter and order lemonade. (True story.) So, when I go out in public, I'm constantly comparing myself to people, whether it's my physical appearance, or the way I speak, or my sense of humor. It's easy for me to sit here on my bed and type a bunch of words about how comparing yourself to others doesn't get you anywhere, and how God made you unique and for a special purpose. It's harder once I go out there and try to apply it to my life. But God's always working. He really is. He's showing me this and, slowly but surely, bringing me out of the pit of low self-esteem.

     God has perfect timing. I started attending my new church around August of last year, and last September, youth group started. Our theme for this whole year in youth group has been: "Be yourself; who you are in Christ." It's amazing and wonderful that God would place me in this group, talking about this subject, right around the time I started struggling with self-esteem. Last week at youth group, we did a sort of recap of everything we've learned in the past few months. I wanted to share with you who we are and what we have in Christ.

1) We are inseparable from Christ.
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

2) We are sanctified (set apart and being made holy).
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus," - Ephesians 2:4-6

3) We have the Holy Spirit in us. 
"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." - Acts 1:8

4) We are free. 
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1

5) We have authority. 
". . .so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs  according to the hope of eternal life." - Titus 3:7

6) We are masterpieces. 
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:10

     Everyone in my youth group also received a card with the following printed on it:

I am a child of God.

I was created in His image for a unique 

purpose that He prepared for me before I 

 was known to this world. 

     I constantly need this reminder of who I really am, otherwise, I would always be beating myself up for my shortcomings and mistakes that I'm bound to make. When I read this card, I'm reminded that God is a forgiving and loving God, no matter how many times I mess up. 

     I'd like to leave you with this video made by the Skit Guys about being who God created you to be. Enjoy. :)

-Sarah :)

on and on and on and on it goes

God's love. Infinite, eternal, unconditional, perfect, superlative.

     I've always believed that. I've taken it for granted, really. I've sung and believed Jesus Loves Me for as long as I can remember. I never thought it was something that I "struggled" with. Sure, I struggled with other things, but knowing God loves me? Naw. Never. That's easy to believe.
     Or is it?
Recently, as I have grappled with the merciless unrelenting taskmaster that is school, as well as other areas of my life that require self-discipline, I've failed again and again. It's inevitable. I'm human, I like to think I'm self-sufficient, and I start to wonder unconsciously whether God still loves me after I've failed to read such and such a book for school or go to bed at a reasonable hour. I say "unconsciously" because until a maybe a week ago, I didn't realize I was doubting God's love for me. I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what. And even when I realized it initially, I prayed about it and then kind of forgot about it. But just last weekend I went to Planet Wisdom, a Christian student conference, with my youth group. It was an amazing time of learning about all kinds of relationships, laughing much and often, and worshipping with amazing songs and an amazing band. One of the songs in particular, "One Thing" by Jesus Culture, really hit me hard. I'm talking on my knees, crying kind of "hit me hard." The Holy Spirit literally inside of me "hit me hard."

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails 

it never gives up 

it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

Your love never fails 

it never gives up 

it never runs out on me

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

The part I put in bold was IT. God's love goes on and on and on and that I never have to be afraid? I thought I knew that, but. . . wow. I always get overwhelmed when I sing that. It was God's way of showing me that he really does love me all the time, whatever I do, no matter WHAT. Unconditional. That's what it is. It's never ending, doesn't depend on anything I do or don't do. 

IT NEVER ENDS. 

EVER.

IN MY LIFE.

(It's always a good idea to use a (paraphrased) quote from "Up" to drive a point home).

But reeeally, it doesn't depend on how bad I'm doing (or how great I'm doing, on the other hand). The following lyrics from Jenny Simmon's song "This I Know" basically sums up the struggle of trusting God's love:

When it comes to being free, I am my own worst enemy

'Cause I can criticize every move I make

I've got a microscope on my mistakes

And I steal glory from the One who made me me

I know the words, but help me believe

Jesus loves me, this I know

And I know it's not because of anything I've done

This love is unconditional

So at my worst, and at my best

You don't love me less, you can't love me more

This I know for sure

Never worried or impressed by any failure or success

'Cause I know somehow, some way I'll make You smile

You can not help but love Your child

So I can sing this song to You

You never change your mind about it

And I don't know why I ever doubt it

     As it is always with God's promises, it's comforting to know that you are safe in God's love, and that he will NEVER leave you (insert selfsame "Up" quote here). 

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 

1 John 4:8

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 

1 John 4:18

-Sarah :)