I refuse to be a victim.

     For me there are three weeks between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break. Those three weeks are almost unbearable. All my friends at school would agree, I think. ;) I love school, but I have a lot this year. And breaks are definitely needed. Sometimes I allow myself to obsess over those breaks. I even remember thinking the week before Thanksgiving break this year: "Only one week until break. I don't have to try hard this week - I'm close enough to a week of no school, anyway."

Today I burned that way of thinking. I refuse to be a victim.

     This is my school. My work. My responsibility. I will not go about my duties halfheartedly, hypocritically, half-awake. I won't cut corners. I have all of God's strength in my soul - I am able to meet standards and do well.

     I have one more week until Christmas break. This week will not go like the last week-before-break. I will work. I will sleep. I will eat. All to the glory of God.

How thoughtless of us to do anything less than our best! Think of who we live for!

     There is no condemnation in Jesus. I don't shouldn't feel guilty when I fail, because Jesus has already won for me. In light of this, I should be inspired to love and please the one that freed me to do so.
 
Refuse to be a victim and draw upon the immeasurable strength that is in Jesus today.

<3
s
    

on chemistry and how I learned (ahem: AM LEARNING) to enjoy life.

     Because we live in a fallen, broken, corrupt world, we get our fair share of confusion and panic and misery. That's how it is.
     If you know me, you know I absolutely CAN NOT STAND confusion. Being confused about something (especially school and homework deadlines) drives me up the wall. So when I wasn't spending the time I should have on Chemistry and consequently becoming confused, I slowly sank into misery. And then I failed a test and wasn't able to take another one because of internet problems.
     I'm going to be completely honest with you: I'm failing Chemistry. That scares me. I was behind on homework, and one day I was sitting in a class that wasn't even Chemistry (online, in my room), and I just had a panic attack about my Chemistry homework.

It's too much. Way. Too. Much. I'll never get it done and I'll never get my grade up and I'll never understand the material and AHHHH!!!!

     I put up my little "away" emoticon to let my teacher know that I had stepped away and ran downstairs to my mom, where I yelled and cried and panicked about Chemistry. She helped me calm down and told me not to think about it while I was in another class. One thing at a time, Sarah! 
     Soon after that episode, my mom told me that I was going to drop my Chemistry class and take it as an "independent study course" instead. Basically that means I would listen to recordings of the live class had taken before and do the work at my own pace.
     I was ambivalent about this decision. I knew it would be better for me, and I was excited about that part. But at the same time...

Wow, Sarah, you can't handle the fast pace of a normal, high school Chemistry course? What kind of student are you, anyway? Look at all your friends. Look how great they're doing in school. What's wrong with you?

     Then my Chemistry teacher called my home phone. You know it's not good when you're getting calls from the teacher, right? Yeeeah. Apparently, she had no idea I was planning to move to independent study (glitch in communication, I guess). She wished I would stay in her class because she liked my participation (however much I was able to give with my confused knowledge of the subject in question), but understood how much work I had (six other classes) and how independent study would be helpful (I used so many parentheses in this paragraph).
     I had talked to my parents beforehand and told them I would really like to catch up and boost my grade and stay in class. I told my teacher that on the phone, and she said I could do it if I put in the time and concentration. So, we talked about ways I could catch up. And I'm back in the game, folks!

     It's been so crazy this past week with all of this happening. I'm learning time management even when I thought I had it down, or I thought I should have it down, and I'm learning that I don't have to live a stressful, panicky, school-filled life. I'm trying Chemistry again, and I'm determined that it will not go down like the first two months of it did.

     Speaking of not living a stress and school-filled life, I'm going to a football game tonight with my youth group. Please take opportunities to do fun things in your life, especially if you are bogged down with school or work. God wants to enjoy life and enjoy him, and I'm not going to let school get in the way of that.

     Moral of the story: Hakuna Matata. God has it all worked out. :)

s

just a little rant because I'm human and it's okay to rant. right?

I'm just... I'm frustrated.

     I'm so self-centered. Everything is seen through a lens of "how does this affect me?" And then afterwards, I take off those glasses and see everything clearly and blur things again with tears of frustration and annoyance. I want to take those "all about me" glasses and smash them under the heel of my shoe.

     I tell myself that I'm not a very self-absorbed person. When I was younger, I was told often by pastors and my mom's friends and nice stranger ladies at the grocery store that I was such a well behaved little girl (not bragging here: I'm was a little introvert who didn't talk except for please and thank you and I have a mother and father who know where it's at when raising children).

     But now I'm in the real world, where things don't like to happen the way I think they should. People don't act the way I think they should. If I didn't want to play on the playground at preschool recess, I didn't have to. It was okay if I just wandered around, singing Sound of Music and eavesdropping on my teachers' conversations (Sorry, Mrs. R and Mrs. D). Now it seems like people are forcing me down the slide. I don't want to go! 

     School isn't sitting at the art table drawing all morning anymore. It's blood and sweat and tears and due dates and research and periodic tables that I don't want to memorize and geometric constructions I don't want to draw. It's late nights because I am too tired in the morning - a vicious cycle of sleeplessness. It's constantly throwing off the stress and inwardly screaming for God to make it easier.

     Friends aren't the little girls who invite me over to make soap and play with American Girl Dolls after preschool anymore. They are so, SO much better, and yet it takes more to keep those friendships alive. Business gets in the way of relationships. Online school means friends who live across the country, or at least a few hours away.

     Money isn't something that just comes with having a lemonade stand just for fun anymore. I need it to keep my commitment with Compassion. I need clothes (don't worry - I'm, like, getting clothed and stuff. I'm provided for. But it's hard when you're that girl who wears a sweatshirt and jeans to church because you wore the only two good dresses you have the last two weeks, and you see all of your friends with amazing clothes and everything...). It's no longer as simple as owning a favorite sweater and wearing it every day.

     Prioritizing according to the Bible is hard in a world where the culture wants you to do otherwise. To be honest, I didn't think this particular aspect of culture would hit me this hard at this point in my life. Grades are just the most important thing if I want to go to college. Grades... grades... grades. I always thought I was a pretty good student. Like most kids, failing tests was a nightmare for me, but it was never one I actually experienced until recently.

     It makes me wonder if I'm becoming less of a person. I know... it's just called "real life," and I'm no longer in my little homeschool bubble of "I'm accepted all the time for exactly what I am by everyone and everyone thinks I'm awesome and I don't get graded on my tests because I'm young and my parents don't want me to find my worth in grades and I am content with my clothes and my talents and my life and YEAH."

     I know I'm getting all teenage-angst-y on y'all, but life was just so much SIMPLER as a little kid. There was no poking and prodding if you mentioned a guy twice in the same hour. No yearning for independence, because, quite honestly, grown-ups have to do work and that's no fun! The only good reason for being a grown-up is you can pretty much do whatever you want. Right? RIGHT?!?!

Hah!

     Ugh. What a lie. I'm not even totally grown-up yet and I know that's a lie. I know people talk about "middle-aged crisis" and all that, but what about "teenaged crisis?" It's haaard, folks. And you know that! Because I know that pretty much all of my readers are either in the middle of this or have "been there, done that." Y'all know. 

     I'm just overwhelmed. Like I said. Screaming. God is there, I know. I constantly have to zoom out and see more than my computer screen and my bedroom walls. I constantly have to stop comparing myself to others. Seriously. I have to JUST. STOP. (link)

     It scares me sometimes when I think that my life before I turned... well, say fifteen, was pretty much trial-free. I might as well have been wearing a "life is good" t-shirt 24-7. Maybe I didn't think so then, but gosh darn it, I look back and that's totally what was happening. Sure, I thought I had such a hard life sometimes. But then I hit my first real trial, when God knew I was ready for one. If he had asked me, "Sarah, are you ready for a trial?" I would have said, "um, no! MY LIFE IS PERFECT, GOD. DON'T TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING I'VE DREAMED OF." And, well, he did. To my fifteen-year-old brain (I know, I know, that was only a year and a half ago. But the then-brain and the now-brain are wayyy different). From then on, my life has been different. It will continue to be marred by the results of The Fall, until I die and leave it all behind for eternal felicity in heaven. That scares me, to a degree. Just being honest.

    Today at my incredible, amazing, mine-is-better-than-yours youth group, we talked about how to deal with it when God says "no" to our prayers. I have to say, not my topic of choice; at least not at first glance. When we got into it, I learned a lot about how God has something better for us when he says "no." A lot of my youth group leaders said they were glad God said "no" to them in a lot of situations, because things ended up being infinitely better for them. I'm not entitled to share any of the stories, but dude, you should have heard them.

     The thing is (whew, I'm not writing a paper so I can say "the thing is"), I do believe that. I totally do. My real question is: WHEN? When do I get to hear the other half of the story, the half that comes after the "no"? The part when everything works out to my advantage?

     Well, would ya look at that. Just spilled to the internet. Heh. Why not. It got a little bit off of my chest, and maybe someone will read this and kind of feel a little bit better about life.

Hopefully there's some stuff in there that isn't totally depressing.

Also I wrote this in two different sittings, so the first half might have a different feel than the second half. You might say that mood swings and I are on a first-name basis.

s

giving

     My blogger friend Davi posted something recently on her blog about our weaknesses bringing us closer to Jesus. You should go read her post (busy high school students mooching off of other bloggers for the win! ;)), but she got me thinking about it. Like it usually happens (me being a "church kid;" someone who grew up learning all of the right answers), I had already heard this truth. But I think God pulled another layer off of it this morning and delivered it to me anew. He reminded me of this passage: 

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

"So to keep me from being conceited..."

"a thorn..."

"grace is sufficient."

SUFFICIENT.

sufficient. enough. all I need. 

I'm weak right now. So very, very weak. 

But right now, right at this very moment, I'M LETTING GO.

I can't do it! I just can't! But God can. He's the one who is SUPPOSED to be doing it, after all.

I'm letting it all go. I don't care if I have a paper and a chemistry assignment due on friday. I don't care if I'm behind on reading. I don't care if I'm getting a low grade in math. His grace is sufficient. I'm not going to fix my problems by myself, because that's impossible. So why try? 

God = Success. 

Success, meaning... living the life that God wants you to live. Davi also said in her post that stress can sometimes mimic the effects of being poisoned. I'm not going to live like that anymore.

Giving all of my circumstances to God means:

I'm giving up stress.

I'm giving up the false security that comes from trying to control it all myself.

I'm giving up sleeplessness.

I'm giving up not eating because I'm too busy.

I'm giving up cramming.

I'm giving up bad grades.

I'm giving up poorly managed relationships.

I'm giving up serving myself.

I'm ready for freedom. 

Do you have something you need to give to God? If so, I encourage you to do so right now. This very moment. It's scary, losing control of something. I know! I know. But freedom is on the other side of that fear. 

Sarah

 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

just wait

 Don't miss my post that's directly below this one! :)

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 I wrote this awhile ago, but hesitated to post it because it's such a daunting subject. But I feel like I have explained it as clearly as I can, so here goes. A little something about strength to start your week off with. :)

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   Lately I have been struggling with feeling the need to do things for God. I have felt like God needs my works in order to accept me. It's a frightening feeling, because all my life I have been taught and have believed that salvation and God's acceptance is based on faith alone, not anything that we do to try to earn it. But now I'm struggling with that. 

     I know that if God wants me to glorify him through my actions, but I also know that I have to rely on his strength. So do I just sit back and wait for God to move my body to do these actions that glorify him?

     That's a question I asked my dad last night. I was worried and frightened and terribly confused about all of this, and he helped me sort it out with an excellent metaphor (my dad always has great metaphors). 

     He said that it's okay – and right – to wait for God's strength to flow into you. I always thought that I had to pray for God's strength, and then go out and do things right away, hoping that God had sent strength quickly enough. I usually started relying on my own strength, which at that point had me feeling like a failure. It isn't a fun way to live life. My dad's metaphor for waiting for God to come to you went like this:

     You're at the beach, and you want to swim, but you don't want to walk into the water and start swimming yourself. So, while the tide is out, you go and sit near the water and wait for when you start to swim. Suddenly, a tsunami comes and you are swimming whether you wanted to or not. 

     The tsunami is God's strength, filling us and enabling us to do his will whether we feel like we can or not. When we ask for his strength, we aren't asking for the ability to do things by ourselves. This may seem obvious to some people, but I think what I have been doing is asking for God's strength, and then forgetting about that and expecting to be able to do things my myself. All I have to do is just sit there and wait for God, and he'll come. 

     To be sure, when he opens a door of opportunity, it's my responsibility to take a step through that door, but if you pray for his power to carry you, it doesn't start with you taking a step. It starts with a prayer for strength and the faith that God will move your feet. 

-Sarah

hanging securely

If you opened the door of my bedroom pretty much any weeknight, you'd hear music playing and see me sitting on my floor with my math textbook in front of me and a pencil scratching away at graph paper. Such is my life as a high school sophomore - and sometimes I wonder how I'm doing it.
   
A lot of nights I work really hard, sometimes really late into the night. It's those times when I'm tired, I hate math and everything to do with it, and I want more than ever to go to bed instead of finishing what I would have to wake up really early the next morning to do. But I don't. Why? I don't know! All I know is that I feel tired, but I have this strength that isn't my own pushing me on.

It's not mine. It's God's.

So THIS is what it means to rely entirely on God's strength. It gets me excited to know that God is finally showing me this after wanting and praying to feel it for so long.

It's a strange feeling. It's as if, without this supernatural strength filling me, I would just collapse, unconscious on the ground. It's hard to explain. . . I feel like the strength isn't IN me, it's PULLING me. It's pulling my hand across the paper as I write number after number. It's pulling my eyes open so I can stay alert as I work. It's pulling my brain. . . but this is a weird way of putting it. I can't explain what it feels like. All I know is that God is doing something incredible.

I guess what I could say is that it feels like I'm hanging. It's like I'm in an ocean (of homework. . . fill in the blank) and God is pulling me in with his lifeline of supernatural strength and keeping me afloat. That's what it feels like. . . but I'm also reminded that the aforesaid ocean is all in God's hands. He's holding me and keeping me hanging. It's a glorious place to be - in that place of weakness and dependence and trust.

It's good to be hanging securely.

-Sarah :)