Do you ever feel unsatisfied with yourself?
I don't necessarily mean the pretty much ever-present feeling that you'd like a different nose, or you want to get more sleep at night, or whatever. I mean an overwhelming desire to change multiple aspects of your life.
Sometimes I stop and think about everything I'm doing wrong - I'm not going to bed early enough, I'm not doing my homework on time (or I'm cramming and not doing my best), I'm not getting up early enough in the morning, I don't have all the clothes I want, my income is scanty ($64 a month dissolves so easily and quickly, somehow). I don't think of others enough. I complain a lot. I don't have as much energy as I want to have. I don't exercise enough. I'm not completely satisfied with my appearance. The list goes on. And sometimes I just wish I could press a button or wave a magic wand and tada! my life is perfect.
That's definitely not how it works, though. And it's SO HARD. Because most of those things are good things! Things I should want! I'll be honest, it's discouraging to realize that I can't just decide I'm going to wake up earlier and then DO IT. It takes prayer and faith and hard work and perseverance.
Another reason that it's hard is because it's part of the process of sanctification. And sanctification is one of the hardest things in the world to go through. It takes immense trust (yet another thing I don't have), and I just want God to hand me some kind of certificate or something that says "Congratulations! You have achieved the highest standard of _________!"
Examining this post now, I realize that I'm not doing too well with patience. :/
But it's okay, because of who I am in Christ - I am saved, I'm a saint, I'm God's daughter, I'm beloved, and I'm guaranteed eternal life and happiness.
One minute I'm despairing about how much I need to change and how unsatisfied I am with myself, and the next breath I'm motivated and pleased with where I am. Funny how my emotions fluctuate like that. Thank goodness there's a never-changing God who unconditionally loves me for who I am.
Happy Wednesday :)
Sarah
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I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME RIGHT NOW. But I think just lifting up all my concerns to God and letting Him take control of it helps relieve a lot of my discontentment :) Also, if you don't mind me asking, how do you get your income?
ReplyDeleteyeah, I agree. it's helpful to remember that God will take care of me and my shortcomings. :D
Deletealso, I have two violin students that I teach. :)
I've been dealing with exactly similar things. And it's especially worse when you know you're not living the way you know you ought, and then people start calling you on it. I've been having rough conversations with my parents lately because as much as I could yell and scream at the rooftops that I'm really trying, my actions show that I'm not trying as hard as I can, and even if I was, I still wouldn't be perfect. It's so hard to remember at those times when every piece of life is pointing at the truth that I'm a messed up piece of work that God is also saying at the same time: "P.S. You have the potential to inherit the kingdom of God one day." My jaw drops to the ground when I come face-to-face with all of that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting that, it was really helpful to read! :)